Obligatory Graduation Reflection Blog

It’s been a while, but I felt like this deserved a blog post. You know, for thoughts that are more than 140 characters, but still not long enough to publish.

What can you say about graduation that hasn’t already been said? Things are changing. You’ll probably never speak to many of these people for the rest of your life. College is going to really allow you to explore yourself in ways that weren’t possible before.

But I guess at the same time, everyone looks at graduating a little differently. Some are apt to focus more on the end of things – the end of adolescence and the small traces of childhood that it carried. Things will never be the way they once were, and if things were particularly good for some, change will be sad and unwelcome. Others focus on the start – the start of adulthood, the freedoms and challenges that come with it. Every choice from now on will be your own and will have a more significant impact on your future. From now on, it’s your life. However daunting it may seem, the prospect also engenders an aroused interest in what lies ahead.

I think I’m just wondering how I feel about it. I can’t really claim to feel either of those things completely. Sometimes I think about the past, but I don’t necessarily miss it. Sometimes I think about the future, but I can never imagine what I want mine to be really like, so my expectations aren’t really high – closer to non-existant. Right now I feel nothing because there is nothing to feel anything about. Yeah, graduation was yesterday, but nothing’s changed yet. Jenny’s still next door. Nikki and Alison are across the hall. I’m still driving the van around Vienna all the time. It’s just summer; I never really miss anyone. And if I do, I’ll call them. I think I’ll be ready to reflect when I’m sitting in my college dorm. Because that’s when I’ll be able to tell you the things I remember about being a high-schooler. What are the things that are really gonna stick out to me in memory when I’m old enough to look back?

The thing is, I just don’t feel like anything at Marshall is going to be that important to think about later on.

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A Poem

I wrote this sometime last year after watching Saving Private Ryan, and found it when cleaning out my desk.

Hearing bells call from high in the sky
yours not to ask why but to do and die
Perpetuate a hymn of unending sorrow
for there’s no way to tell if you’ll see tomorrow
No way to tell if the sun will shine again
for all that you see is obstinate rain
Don’t pity yourself, you haven’t the time
Though sick desperation is a fitting crime
Whose life is worth more than your own?
Seems hard to tell when you’re fighting alone
Out there where none can hear you scream
when your life before becomes only a dream
You’re here now, there’s no way out
You’re here to die, that’s what war’s all about.

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Silly thing. I’m bored.

The Soundtrack to the Movie of Your Life

Here’s how it works:
1. Open iTunes
2. Put it on shuffle and press play
3. For every question, type the song that’s playing
4. Make up a Title and choose your Cast

Title: I Think I’m John Lennon (And Other Inconsequential Ramblings)
[based on the NY Times Bestseller of the book by the same title]

Emma Watson (playing Me)
Meryl Streep (as my mom)
Tom Hanks (as my dad)
Robert Downey Jr. (as the youngish teacher I have an affair with)
and Special Guest Star Chevy Chase (as my grandpa who just moved in with us)

Opening Credits: “Married Life”, Michael Giacchiano (sp?) (From the UP soundtrack)
aw, this is gonna be a really cute movie that gets sad at the end

Waking Up: “When I Come Around”, Green Day
just perfect. I can see waking up to this in real life.

First Day At School: “Almost Sorry”, Scissor Sisters
hah, well that’s kind of sad. school must suck.

Falling In Love: “Take Your Mama”, Scissor Sisters
awww, we must have so much fun together.

Fight Song: “Tell Me Why”, The Beatles
maybe a more intense cover? hahahaha

Breaking Up: “A Boy Like Me”, Patrick Wolf
hahaha, damn i can see this like during the aftermath.

Prom: “Boat Behind”, Kings of Convenience.
hmmm, good song, but i don’t see how it’ll fit

Life: “Who Loves the Sun”, Velvet Underground
and cue montage!

Mental Breakdown: “Hang Me Up to Dry”, Cold War Kids
fucking perfect

Driving: “Jesus Of Suburbia”, Green Day
yeah, I can see that.

Flashback: “Young Folks”, Peter, Bjorn, & John
hahahahah must be a fun flashback

Wedding: “Girl Is On My Mind”, The Black Keys
damn, that must be a fucking badass wedding. great song.

Birth of Child: “Nobody Told Me”, John Lennon

Final Battle: “Give Me Novacaine”, Green Day
fuck, is my final battle with a drug addiction?

Death Scene: “This Time Tomorrow”, The Kinks
fuck that’s depressing

Funeral Song: “Oh, Sweet Nuthin'”, The Velvet Underground
aw, that’s sweetish.

End Credit: “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down”, The Band
Wow. It really makes you feel like you’ve learned a lesson… but like, a good one

I smell an oscar

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Bite my lip and close my eyes; take me away to paradise

If I wanted to write a list of the things that inspire me, I’d never be able to finish. I can find inspiration in everything I see, everything I hear, touch, smell, feel. All my senses write stories in my head, tell me what to feel and how to react. It’s a very instinctual, almost primal human tendency. It’s because we’re animals. Underneath all the material possessions, all the bullshit about civilised society and higher intellectual ability, we’re nothing but a bunch of animals with one basic instinct: To survive. And better yet, just continue our species. Help our species to survive. That’s why we eat, why we sleep, why we fuck. Because humans are just another species trying to survive in the chain.

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wrote this in class.

I’m doing this on purpose. Making you feel like shit. I’ve done this before… and to what end? To bring you down to the same realm of almost non-existent self-esteem that I dwell in? Will it work?
Maybe that’s what I’m doing. I’m testing you. Maybe you’ll see what I’m doing and call me out. You’re supposed to be able to see it. Through me. This is your chance. You can be the one worth coming out of my head for.

I’m a bully, that’s what I am. Making you feel bad about yourself empowers me. It’s a rush. I love crushing your ego, just because I can. Because I have that power over you. So no matter what you do that affects me, I can always make you feel like the worthless piece of shit you are.

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Seeking Solace

I’m feeling good

which is more than I should

relatively speaking, of course.

Better than before, and certainly no worse

after the journey, the voyage I’ve made

to the edge of conciousness, death’s debt I have paid.

Upon my return it seems rather odd

that I still have no faith, no belief in God.

How can it be so, after all I have seen?

How can I still know not what it means?

But that’s it, it is, surely it must

the universe has secrets, these I must trust.

And follow blindly into the shadow of doubt,

never really knowing what life’s all about.

Taking comfort in knowing nothing for sure,

to have no need to see beyond the door.

A life spent searching will end it regret,

expectations that will never be met.

Search not, ask not, want not, be not afraid.

this burning desire in time shall fade

as will your life, your body, your heart.

Before you know it, you’ll be back at the start.

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today was just a horrible day.

all around. I’ve never felt this shitty for an entire day before.
and then of course, you text me. you would, wouldn’t you? after another week of no communication between us, you just up and text me tonight. after one of the worst days I’ve had in ages.

the way it used to be, that would have cheered me up, plain and simple. but you’re not that person for me anymore. I can go weeks without talking to you and not care. Remember when I could barely go a day? Well, I do, and I can tell you I’m so far from there right now.

And while this has been happening, you’ve been busy being oblivious.

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