I honestly have no idea what I’m doing anymore. There must have been a point, some point in my life where I was sure of where I was going, or what I was doing. Or at least, why I was doing it. But lately it feels as if it’s always been like this. Where I’m just a dog chasing its tail, but I’ve got no idea what I’ll do with it once I’ve got it. No, that analogy doesn’t even work because if I’m chasing a tail I know what I’m chasing. The reality of it is, is that I’ve got no idea what it is I’m after.
It’s gotten to a point where I can’t even look back anymore. Now, when I think about myself in the past, it’s all a blur. Even sophomore year, only two years ago. I can hardly remember a thing that happened that year. When I look at pictures of myself then, I can’t even remember what it was like inside my mind then. I don’t remember who I was, or how I thought. Is this what growing up is?
Maybe I’m having trouble remembering because I’ve blocked a large chunk of my life off in my mind. Maybe I was so unbearably miserable that I decided certain years of my life weren’t worth remembering.
I now rely on other’s memories of me to understand just how far I’ve come. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that the Melissa from then, the elementary, middle and early high-school years Melissa, is a stranger to me. I’ve changed in ways I never could have imagined. But… who’s to say if it’s for better or for worse?